TOTTALY TOTTLEZ

The Continuing Hijinx of Tod

2004-08-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

Please check out my ex-boyfriend's latest work of disturbed and grossly misguided self-promotion.

Once again, allow me to reiterate my unrepentant delight at not dating this anal rape enthusiast any more.

What's the Deal with M. Night Shymalan???

2004-07-28T00:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, I must interrupt all the recent political discourse with some commentary about one of the ads being covered by Fox News Channel. I just saw a trailer for M. Night Shyamalan's new masterpiece The Village, which has been lauded by critics with such vague attributes as "brilliant!" and "a cinematic masterpiece," and this BS almost made me forget about the one-two punch of O'Reilly's shameless sycophantic Ben Affleck dicklicking and anticlimactic interview with fellow egomaniacal propagandist Michael Moore.

I am **SICK** of M. Night Shyamalan and his alleged genius.

This jackass made ONE MOVIE that was kind of scary and had a surprise ending. Like the end of The Crying Game , the end of The Sixth Sense was very surprising at the end of 1999 or whenever that came out and that sense of "whoa, I didn't expect that!" lasted for a few minutes. Haley Joel Osment had his moment in the sun as a really freaky kid (for anyone who wants to see what train wreck THAT career precedent became, check out Secondhand Lions. It's really a shame that little creep didn't break into the "I'm a tween spy with really cool made-up spy gadgets ala Cody Banks or Spy Kids" genre. I guess Frankie Muniz has the market cornered. Nonetheless, Haley Joel has reaffirmed my personal prognosis of no children). But seriously, that one SURPRISING moment at the end where Bruce Willis ends up being dead does not make this dude the filmmaking genius of the century! In fact, I would have seen it coming if the plot was a little more carefully pieced together.

For some reason, however, everyone seems to be really into the "terrifying genius" of M. Night Shyamalan (or "Night," the name he uses casually). I was watching "Primetime Thursday" with Diane Sawyer last week and an expose about M. Night Shyamalan's unique brand of "terror" took precedence over Eric Benet's confessional interview about his sex addiction and why Halle Berry dumped him! Furthermore, the SciFi network (yes, no need to point out that I am watching the loser-ass SciFi network...all I have to say was that I wasn't tuning in to see "Stargate: Atlantis", I was trying to see the movie Leprechaun 2. And from this point on, I reserve my Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate my coolness.) Anyway, the SciFi network showed this special that was a cross between Roger and Me, "The X-Files," and The Blair Witch Project. It kinda sorta implied that M. Night Shyamalan died in a Pennsylvanian pond as a child, and was resurrected with shaman-like powers which are dependent upon him making all his celluloid masterpieces in the Quaker State.  Somehow, these dark powers not only imbue him with supernatural abilities, but also inspire him to pen masterpieces of the macabre such as Stuart Little.  This even went so far as to interview Johnny Depp and Adrian Brody in which both actors insist that Night made them sign Michael Jackson-esque legal documents before even being permitted to talk to this "strange and reclusive mind," and that Night is a very "intriguing" character.  This was all later admitted by all parties involved to be tottal crap. Finally, I was trying to watch a rerun of "Law and Order: SVU" when I was interrupted with a SEVEN MINUTE TRAILER of The Village, complete with behind-the-scenes commentary from the "elusive" M. Night Shyamalan (who never manages to elude promotional opportunities). Once again, I was reminded that I am being bombarded with reminders that this drama club nerd is somehow mysterious and cool and I've just had it! I didn't buy this crap with David Copperfield, I didn't buy it with David Blaine, I didn't buy it in the Jessica Biel-containing crap remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and I'm not buying it with this douchebag!

Now, this movie does look kind of temporally entertaining, and I'm not opposed to seeing it. A woman who just this evening was flipping back and forth between Ron Reagan, Jr's impassioned plea for stem cell research and Starship Troopers (which the FX network inexplicably shows ad nauseum) has no right to look down my nose at a movie like The Village, which looks okay and has Sigourney Weaver in it. Also, I liked The Sixth Sense and I liked Signs (despite my lifelong hatred of Mel Gibson with the exception of the first two Lethal Weapon films and the sublime Mad Max series. Any movie with "Thunderdome" in the title is cool. But once he cut the mullet, Mel was damaged goods). But why is this DORK the point of every ad I see for this movie??? I'm NOT paying $11 to go see M. Night Shyamalan for 2 hours! It's like the people selling these movies think you can't enjoy them unless you know that M. Night Shyamalan is trying to cultivate an image of a weird creep.  And I know he's not really a weird creep...he's just a dork who probably IS watching "Stargate: Atlantis," or perhaps reruns of "The Outer Limits." He's like the new Stephen King or Anne Rice, just a D&D-playing nerd with buck teeth or a pseudo-vampire overweight pagan, respectively. And I'm SICK of this!

I have heard the word "terror" in the same sentence with "M. Night Shyamalan" almost as many times as I've heard "Osama Bin Laden" or "Al Qaeda"! Seriously, it's not like this guy is that scary! He's an uber-dork who has made a couple compelling commercial products and a couple crappy ones! He is not the master craftsman of what makes things blindly terrifying and I really resent the marketing machine trying to make me believe he is! He's a nerdy short guy who probably has a pencil dick which he caresses while listening to Richard Marx!

And on a really catty aside, has anyone wondered about what's going on behind the scenes?   You know what I mean. First he had Bruce Willis by the balls for two movies. Then Bruce broke up with Demi right around the time Unbreakable came out. And then, whoa...Bruce Willis and Night are possibly estranged, right around the time Signs comes out, in which Joaquin saves the world by smashing up his kitchen with a Louisville Slugger. Our hero Joaquin is now appearing in his boyfriend's new film, in which he wears A DRESS (well, more like a Quaker utopian tunic, but it's purty enough and it certainly brings out Joaquin's fine feminine cheekbone structure).

Coincidence? You decide.

Anyway, I'm wasted and my outrage about the PATENTLY FALSE overexposure of M. Night Shyamalan just could not be contained. Please forgive any grammatical errors. This report was partially compiled by 6 boys from Colorado. Tallboys, to be exact. They don't write so good.

REPORTING LIVE FROM THE COUCH - DNC 2004

2004-07-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

6:38 - MSNBC - Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) is H-O-T.

6:42 - FOX NEWS - Brit Hume hosts the FOX News Contributors Maura Liasson, Mort Kondracke, and Fred Barnes and shows film coming in of John Kerry wearing a "funny hat" (actually protective covering for viewing a NASA Space Station simulation at Cape Canaveral) and asks hosts to comment on the damage such imagery might do to Kerry's support.

6:47 – CNN – Lou Dobbs shows a cartoon that is currently playing on the internet and whose creator is facing lawsuits from both the Bush and Kerry campaigns. It’s a “South Park”-esque sing-along featuring characters bearing each of the candidates’ faces. Kerry sings something like, “You can’t say ‘nuclear’…I’m so intellectual…you are a dumbass…this land will surely vote for me…” Bush counters with, “You’re a U.N. pussy…and it’s true I kick ass…this land will surely vote for me…”

6:49 – CNN – Lou Dobbs interviews a frightening-looking Molly Ivins (a favorite of Pat Skarda). Ivins refers to hers as the “white trash delegation from East Texas.” She also calls John Kerry “a boring stiff.” Does she have a moustache? Did she go to Smith? What is Pat Skarda up to? I consider calling her. I think better of it.

6:59 – FOX News – Brit Hume announces that Brian Wilson has been “let loose on the city of Boston,” and that he’ll be up next with his report.

7:00 – MSNBC – Gov. Jennifer Granholm (D-Michigan) is H-O-T. Hot moles. Hot lip-licking while awaiting questioning. Heinous emerald-green suit, but it somehow adds to her MILFy quality. And the crowd behind her listening to the interview loves her.

7:02 – MSNBC – Chris Matthews asks said Gov. Granholm whether Sen. Kerry’s appearance in full hunting gear the other day wasn’t aimed at the NRA-supporting “John Dingos of the swing state of Michigan.”

7:05 – MSNBC – Andrea Mitchell interviews high-profile (and Latino!) Democrat, Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico. Andrea Mitchell? How are you getting this famous? When I met you, you were nothing!

7:08 – CNN – A story about how Bush lays low on the ranch in Crawford discussing what the federal government’s sadly tied hands can do about those suggestions from the 9/11 Commission’s final report while those ne’er-do-wells in Congress go on their little “summer recess”; meanwhile, the Republican National Committee sets up the “Dems Ultimate Makeover” message to counter the Convention’s moderate mandate.

7:11 – FOX News – A very presidential-looking, message-based advertisement from John Kerry is followed by an action-packed and deeply sexy trailer for “Catwoman.”

7:12 – CNN – Karenna Gore Schiff, in her little off-the-shoulder lime green wrap over slinky black tank top, is H-O-T. And also totally on message in alignment with her dad’s eventual speech, which will be about channeling the outrage about the 2000 election into passionate momentum to elect Kerry and Edwards.

7:13 – CSPAN – Mayor Thomas Menino (D-Boston), in the context of a discussion of racism, notes that “some even said an Italian-American would never be the Mayor of Boston. Well, I took care of that 13 years ago.” Note: Menino and the Kerry campaign were involved in a public squabble about Kerry’s refusal to cross Boston Police Department picket lines at a venue where Menino had promised Kerry would speak. Now, Menino is calling Kerry “our Senator, our neighbor, our next President of the United States.”

7:20 – MSNBC – Ron Reagan, interviewing Michael Moore, asks whether in all the viewing Moore did of footage of Dick Cheney he ever saw the Vice President “use the other side of his mouth.” Moore responds by noting that, “Well, he does have a lesbian daughter. You’ve got to give him credit for that.”

7:25 – CSPAN – Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-Maryland, Minority Whip) is speaking. The camera pans about the audience showing a sea of unimpressed delegates.

7:27 – FOX News – “You Decide 2004 – How Candidates’ Immigration Policies May Affect Election” – Kerry wants illegal immigrants who have paid taxes for two years be granted legal status; Bush wants to offer renewable five-year work visas. To keep them on the farms, I surmise…good policy.

7:30 – CNN – “America Votes 2004 – Hillary Clinton’s Impact” – first quote: “I did not…have…sexual…relations with that woman…Miss Lewinsky…” CNN: Many think she has her eyes on a bigger prize – her old house back (shows shot of the White House).

7:31 – CNN – Anderson Cooper pronounces “We Are Family” a “perennial Democratic Convention favorite.”

7:33 – CNN – Liz Marlantes of the Christian Science Monitor is H-O-T.

7:34 – CSPAN – A female DJ at the Convention urges the crowd to come to quiet for a moment. “You need to hold still…hold still for just a minute longer…” she coos. Uncontrollably, from the audience comes an anonymous shout that rallies the crowd into a frenzy: “I say President, you say Kerry! President! Kerry! President! Kerry!” The Convention dissolves into dance as “Dancing In The Streets” pumps over the bangin’ FleetCenter stereo.

7:38 – MSNBC – Tim Russert and Tom Brokaw co-anchor the coverage. It’s a heavy journalistic moment.

7:41 – CNN – Carlos Watson of CNN AllPolitics is H-O-T.

7:42 – CNN – Chris McNickle, a conservative columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review whom Teresa Heinz-Kerry told to “shove it” after claiming he misquoted her. McNickle affirms that although the Tribune-Review has a “very conservative editorial page,” it sports “straight-down-the-middle objective news on the news pages.”

7:45 – CNN – Paul Begala insists that Mrs. Heinz-Kerry is “an asset” to the Kerry campaign. Begala compares the controversy over Mrs. Heinz-Kerry to the 1992-present controversy over one Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

7:46 – Just random – Aren’t you psyched for Obama’s speech tomorrow?

7:46 – CSPAN – Oy vey. Terry McAuliffe, the Chairman of the Democratic National Committee is speaking. He says, “When I was elected Chairman of this great party in 2001, I promised to modernize and revolutionize this party and I am here to report – Mission Accomplished!” He also draws listeners’ attention to the fact that the DNC’s state-of-the-art new facility in downtown Washington, DC was “paid for with cash, not loans, which is what I can real fiscal responsibility in Washington!” And we wonder why the major networks aren’t covering this and are using this time to alert Americans that the missing woman Lori Hacking’s husband has hired an attorney as he has been branded a “person of interest” by Salt Lake City law enforcement. Hmm…what if Mr. Hacking suddenly held a press conference to publicly proclaim his guilt of killing his pregnant wife? Would the networks run a split screen like they did on President Clinton’s state-of-the-union address during the O.J. Simpson trial?

7:53 – CSPAN – “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye is now playing on the convention floor.

7:55 – MSNBC – Chris Matthews, during a live interview with him, proclaims Gen. Wesley Clark a “great American hero” after forcing him to take credit for the United States’s victory without casualties in Bosnia.

7:58 – FOX News – Shepard Smith urges viewers that “as the War on Terror continues, stay brave, stay aware, and stay with us at FOX News – the network America trusts, period” (note the absence of the recently litigious term “fair and balanced.”

8:00 – FOX News – “Caution! You’re about to enter a no-spin zone from Boston – this is ‘The O’Reilly Factior’ from the Democratic National Convention.” O’Reilly’s first move is to show the footage from Fenway Park as Kerry was “loudly booed” as he threw out the first pitch in his hometown ballpark, and then moves on to the Heinz-Kerry remark, “Shove it!” All this means that the Convention has “gotten off to a rousing start.”

8:02 – CSPAN – Bebe Winans sings “The Star-Spangled Banner” without being interrupted by talking heads. CNN and MSNBC cover this part uninterrupted as well; only FOX continues talk about Michael Moore and Whoopi Goldberg with a Democratic strategist and its political analyst Dick Morris.
8:07 – CNN and MSNBC – Al Gore is introduced and comes out to a country music song. On FOX, O’Reilly continues to comment. Gore receives a standing ovation.

8:09 – CNN and MSNBC cover the beginning of his speech. FOX News cuts to commercial.

8:09 – Gore quips, “There’s that old saying, ‘You win some, you lose some, and then there’s that other third category.’” FOX is still at commercial. CNN and MSNBC continue live coverage.

8:10 – FOX News – Laurie Dhue delivers headlines at the top of the hour. CNN and MSNBC continue coverage of the Gore speech, as the former Vice President urges that “every vote gets counted,” and that “this President not be the President who will appoint the next Supreme Court.”

8:11 – CNN – Gore affirms that “what happens in a presidential campaign matters…a lot,” a slam on the Nader campaign. But already, Gore is taking a more bipartisan tone. He is reaching out to those who voted for Bush in 2000, asking them, “Did you get what you expected when you voted for George Bush? …Did you expect the deficits? …And believe me, I know about the bad economy, I was the first one to be laid off.” He is saying we must “reach across party lines…he urges those who voted for a third-party candidate last election still really believe there was no difference between the two principal candidates?” Yes, Al! Tell those Benedict Arnold traitor hippies!

8:15 – FOX News – Still not covering the Gore speech.

8:17 – MSNBC – Al Gore tells the crowd that he and John Kerry were elected to the Senate on the same day, and he wants to tell us a little about “John Kerry, the man.” Gore says Kerry has “both strength and wisdom.” He calls John Edwards “an advocate for the middle class and for those struggling to become middle class.”

8:19 – MSNBC – Gore asks those of us who remember feeling disappointed in 2000 place all of our passions and energy into making John Kerry the President in 2004.

8:21 – CNN and MSNBC – Gore’s speech ends. FOX carried none of it.

8:24 – CNN – Harold Ickes is being interviewed! Is Mary Whittle wearing a white shirt with her hair in a clip?!

8:28 – MSNBC - Is Willie Brown really an MSNBC Political Analyst?! …Chris Matthews pronounces his belief that the real message of Al Gore’s speech was, “Don’t run for President—it hurts!”

8:32 – FOX News – Bill O’Reilly is interviewing Sue Thompson, a foxy young KSTU reporter from Salt Lake City, whose response to O’Reilly’s comment that “Salt Lake City’s really getting a reputation with this and the Smart case” is, “[Extended pause that could be attributed to technical difficulties] …Yeah.”

8:37 – MSNBC – “Countdown with Keith Olberman” is on.

8:40 – CNN – When Wolf Blitzer asks Gov. Jennifer Granholm whether or not she, being Canadian-born, favors a change to the law that states foreigners cannot run for President, and looks forward to the possibility of Arnold Schwarzenegger for President in 2008, Gov. Granholm crosses herself and says, “No! No! No!”

8:44 – FOX News – Bill O’Reilly to Ralph Nader: “Last question—do you think that Osama bin Laden fears you?”

8:47 – CSPAN – “Everyday People” is playing on the convention floor.

8:50 – FOX News – O’Reilly interviews Joan Jett, labeled “Rock Star,” abount Linda Ronstadt’s unsavory comments about Bush and sanguine love of Kerry at her recent Las Vegas show.

8:51 – FOX News – O’Reilly applauds Jett for playing for the troops as a part of the USO. Jett says she herself thought of joining the military for a time.

8:56 – CSPAN – Gov. Bill Richardson, who is the Convention Chair, is introducing former President Jimmy Carter. Neither CNN, MSNBC, nor FOX News are covering this.

8:59 – CNN – CNN’s political editor Bill Schneider predicts President Carter will speak about the international alliances lost by George Bush during the War on Terror, and later President Clinton’s role will be to contrast the economy under his Democratic administration and the economy under the Republican Bush administration.

9:01 – CNN and MSNBC – President Jimmy Carter is introduced uninterrupted to “Georgia On My Mind” by Ray Charles. FOX News carries a split screen with Gov. Howard Dean interviewed by Allan Colmes.

9:04 – FOX News – Colmes’s interview with Dean continues over the Carter speech.

9:08 – CSPAN – Carter uses the “goodwill squandered” talking note. The crowd goes wild.

9:09 – FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – all major cable networks are now broadcasting the speeches live.

9:11 – CNN – When Carter says something about “North Korea’s nuclear capabilities,” I realize that he, like President Bush, cannot pronounce the word “nuclear.” It must be a Southern thing.
9:13 – CNN – An actual blue-haired African-American female delegate stands up to give Carter a hand.

9:15 – CNN – Carter echoes Gore’s call for “strength and wisdom.” Is this a trend?

9:16 – All networks – The next major speech from Hillary Clinton will not be aired until “the top of the next hour.” So…let’s roll out the Kerry daughters!

9:18 – CSPAN – Rep. Stephanie Tubbs-Jones (D-Ohio) begins her talk at the podium. She gives former Rep. Barbara Jordan props for inspiring her to become the first African-American woman on the Congressional Ways and Means Committee. She delivers the “stronger at home, respected in the world” Kerry slogan.

9:25 – FOX News – Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Illinois) says America needs and deserves a President who is “strong and wise.”

9:26 – An aside – have the Democrats finally learned to strategically coordinate message??!

9:27 – CSPAN – “Johnny B. Goode” is now playing on the convention floor.

9:29 – CNN – An advertisement announces that Sen. Ted Kennedy’s nephew Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-Rhode Island) will be interviewed live by Larry King at midnight.

9:31 – CNN – For now, though, Larry King is talking to former Sen. Robert Dole, former Sen. George Mitchell, Bob Woodward, and Mo Rocca, the latter of whom, when introduced, raised his glass of whiskey on the rocks to the camera.

9:33 – FOX News – Hannity and Colmes are interviewing Jerry Springer, who is a delegate from Ohio. He says he thinks he will probably be running for governor in 2006. Hannity tells Springer he “is like a rock star down there [among the delegates]…they love you down there!”

9:38 – MSNBC – Chris Matthews quite sagely asks whether if the Democrats are offering a 180-degree turnaround and what the American people really want is a course correction, the Democrats are at a disadvantage because the Republicans can read the polls falling the Democratic Convention and can offer that course correction at their own convention in five weeks.

9:41 – CSPAN – Rep. Bob Menendez (D-New Jersey) is delivering his speech. Howard Dean is on CNN; a pair of opposite party aides are talking to Hannity and Colmes on FOX News, and an advertisement for Super 8 is on MSNBC.

9:44 – CSPAN – Rep. Menendez begins speaking in Spanish to the La-tee-no population. “Abajo del Presidente Kerry…John Kerry va a continuar a desarollar las comunidades latinas!”
9:47 – FOX News – Allan Colmes is interviewing Ann Coulter, who has just been fired from her job as a columnist for USA Today as a correspondent from the Democratic Convention. Coulter says she was fired after she submitted her first column. Ann Coulter makes a major dig at USA Today, saying it’s “too bad, because she was really looking forward to creating a buzz in airports and motel rooms across America.” Now the interview is in the hands of Sean Hannity. He and Coulter are smirking at each other lovingly. Coulter said, “How about this Jimmy Carter? Talking about how ‘we won the Cold War’…what’s this ‘we’ stuff, paleface?”

9:52 – CNN – Larry King is speaking with former Rep. Dick Gephardt, who looks puffy and dejected as usual.

9:53 – CNN – Bob Woodward accuses Larry King, Dick Gephardt, and Bob Dole of “drinking the Kool-Aid about an administration that has yet to be elected” after their discussion of what position Gephardt would be granted under a Kerry administration.

9:55 – CNN – Larry King announces that “Rep. Patrick Kennedy and Ben Affleck” will be on his panel of commentarians at midnight.

9:59 – CSPAN – Nothing is happening on the convention floor. Sen. Clinton is scheduled to speak at 10:25; her husband, former President Bill Clinton, is scheduled to speak at 10:30. I guess she traded the prime-time slot for the length of the address. Interesting.

10:01 – CNN – Candy Crowley predicts that even in her five-minute introduction of her husband, Sen. Clinton will talk about John Kerry.

10:02 – CNN – Glenn Close announces that this is the first national political convention since 9/11. She asks that we “vow never to forget that terrible day, never to forget that it was a particularly beautiful morning; otherwise, there was nothing out of the ordinary…never to forget coming out of that crystal sky the shock…never to forget how we clung together and wept as the towers fell…Haleema Salie, a 9/11 relative, follows.

10:06 – FOX News – Portions of Al Gore’s speech, none of which was covered live, is replayed over the 9/11 survivor’s speech.

10:08 – MSNBC, CSPAN, and CNN are providing live coverage. FOX provides commentary from Brit Hume and Michael Barone, a FOX News contributer.

10:10 – All four networks are covering the 16-year-old Abe Lefkowitz who is playing “Amazing Grace” on his violin. The convention is alight with waving candles.

10:12 – FOX News – Brit Hume begins a conversation with Juan Williams, senior political correspondent for National Public Radio.

10:13 – CNN – Wolf Blitzer, Judy Woodruff, and Jeff Greenfield put their heads together and come to the consensus that we can expect similar moving moments dedicated to the victims and the lessons of 9/11 at the Republican Convention in New York City in five weeks. Ya’ll get paid for this?!

10:17 – MSNBC – Chris Matthews offers another insight: “One of the main obstacles the Democrats have faced all along in this campaign will be faced during Kerry’s speech – how does this party express outrage at the enemy and criticism of the policy and regime that is countering it at this moment?”

10:18 – CSPAN – Rev. David Alston, a man who served with Kerry in Vietnam, says hello to the crowd momentarily.

10:19 – CNN – Judy Woodruff echos Bill O’Reilly’s concerns about the “funny hat” Kerry wore at Cape Canaveral. Jeff Greenfield adds that Teresa Heinz-Kerry’s SNAFU was cause for concern as well.

10:20 – CNN – Paul Begala predicts that the role of both Clintons’ speeches will be concerned with framing up the choice between the two candidates. Tucker Carlson predicts that the Clintons will say little and that even if they spoke in an esoteric foreign language, they would get an uproarious ovation.

10:22 – Gov. Richardson introduces Sen. Clinton. Shot pans to Chelsea applauding. Signs reading “NY HEARTS HILLARY” are flashed. “The junior senator from New York State…and a great Democrat…Hillary Rodham Clinton!” Hillary emerges to a raucous crowd wearing a flesh-toned pantsuit. “I am practically speechless!” she says. Yeah right! “However, twelve years ago, Americans selected a Democrat who gave us eight years of prosperity, peace, and hope…and tonight I have the great honor of introducing to you the last great President of the United Staets…” …but first she wants to talk about the next great President of the United States.

10:27 – All networks are covering Sen. Clinton live.

10:28 – FOX News – Sen. Clinton, a venerable former First Lady, joins venerable former First Lady Nancy Reagan in endorsing stem-cell research. Sen. Clinton also includes a shout-out to Teresa Heinz-Kerry and Elizabeth Edwards. You go, girls!

10:30 – FOX News – Sen. Clinton says that “as a mother, as a senator, and as an American, I worry that this government may not be doing everything it could to protect us.” She thanks the families of the victims of 9/11 for ensuring that the 9/11 Commission was convened, and warns that we ignore their recommendations at our own peril. Is she the first real voice to express the Democratic commitment to the War on Terror?

10:33 – MSNBC – Sen. Clinton says, “You know what we need? We need a new commander-in-chief named John Kerry!”

10:34 – MSNBC – Sen. Clinton says she is very optimistic about this election because she knows a good leader when she sees one. She says that in 1992, the American people chose a President who left the country in better shape than it was when he entered office. And now he is working towards racial and religious harmony. He showed Democrats how to win again, and so will John Kerry! “Please welcome, the 42nd President of the United States, Bill Clinton!”

10:35 – CNN – President Bill Clinton takes the stage to “Don’t Stop.” A rousing ovation erupts. On the CNN feed, a guy wearing a huge rainbow-colored Cat In the Hat hat directly behind Clinton’s head. PS: The Democratic National Convention is now ten minutes behind schedule. I will not allow this to interfere with my coverage of what “The Daily Show” has to say about this, no matter what Bill Clinton has to say.

10:37 – CNN – Pres. Clinton wants “to thank the people of New York for giving Hillary, the best politician in my family, the chance to continue to serve them in the Senate.” He is “honored to share this night with President Carter…and with Al Gore, my friend and partner for eight years.” Clinton says Gore “is the living embodiment of the truth of the phrase ‘every vote counts,’ and this year we are going to prove that that every vote counts in every state.”

10:39 – CNN – Pres. Clinton says that Massachusetts, the “great state that in our time of need gave us John Adams and John Kennedy has now given us John Kerry.”

10:41 – All networks – Did I mention that President Bill Clinton (D-Everyone) is H-O-T?

10:42 – FOX News – President Clinton says that the Republicans want to “act unilaterally when we can and create partnerships with other nations when we have to.” He says that the Republicans benefit from a divided America, but Democrats do not need one. Clinton says Bush and his congressional allies turned their backs on the amazing opportunity they had after 9/11 and not only attacked Iraq unilaterally but also previous to that withdrew from a number of international treaties about climate change and nuclear disarmament. Clinton jokes about tax cuts for the wealthy by saying since he’s been out of office he is now one of the top 1% of Americans in income and he was surprised that Republicans in Congress were suddenly being so nice to him since they hadn’t been nearly so kind when he was President.

10:47 – FOX News – Pres. Clinton calls attention to the No Child Left Behind Act that “has left 2.1 million American children behind.”

10:48 – MSNBC – Pres. Clinton begins to focus on the economy and the federal budget, linking Bush economic policies to the War on Terror, the assault-weapons ban, and uniforms for firefighters. “They’re taking police off the streets while putting assault weapons back on the streets. Now if you agree with those choices, by all means, vote for them, but if not, check out John Kerry and John Edwards and the Democrats.”

10:50 – MSNBC – It is clear that Pres. Clinton’s speech revolves around a “Now, if you agree with that choice, then by all means, vote for them, but if not, check out John Kerry’s your man.”

10:51 – MSNBC – Clinton: “We have two men who are both strong but have very different worldviews.” Will he go for the strong and wise message?!

10:53 – MSNBC – Clinton: “Many young men, including the current President, Vice President, and me, avoided going to war in Vietnam. John Kerry said, ‘Send me.’” According to Clinton, John Kerry has said, “Send me” a number of times. The crowd gets mad into it.

10:56 – CNN – Clinton: “John Kerry has an insatiable curiosity about the world around him, and wants to talk to everyone regardless of whether they might disagree.”

10:57 – CNN – Clinton: “Strength and wisdom are not opposing values.”

10:58 – CNN – Clinton: “John Kerry’s first priority will be to keep America safe. Remember the scripture: ‘Be thee not afraid.’”

10:59 – CNN – Clinton harks back to the lessons of our forefathers, who always urged when faced with divisiveness to “form a more perfect union.” This becomes a mantra as well. He brings together the metaphor of John Kerry’s swift boat and the idea of “Send me” with captaining our nation toward the shores of “our more perfect union.”

11:00 – Comedy Central – “The Daily Show with John Stewart” is on. John Stewart juxtaposes several reasons why America is still at grave risk of terrorist attack with President Bush’s recent speech which was filled with the mantra, “And the American people are safer.” He suggests that the Bush administration’s strategy to fight al-Qaeda is “repetition.”

11:03 – Comedy Central – John Stewart covers the fact that the Department of Justice is looking into postponing elections that they have no jurisdiction over.

11:03 – I realize this episode is a re-run.

This is me, signing off of reportorial duty.

Angie Talks...About Martha

2004-07-22T10:52:00.000-04:00

You can imagine the indescribable joy I experienced upon receiving this gem in my inbox yesterday:

I'm writing you on behalf of Martha Stewart. We received your recent email
through marthatalks.com and can't thank you enough for your support. Martha
has received thousands of emails, but yours stands out as one we may wish to
post to Martha's web site. Do we have your permission to post your email
either in whole or in part? Please respond back to me via email at your
earliest convenience.
Best regards,
Brooke Morganstein

I've made it to the big time...yes, one Ms. Brooke Morganstein at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia has recognized my writing for the soulful craftsmanship that it is and published my letter of support to Martha Stewart on her PR website. In this inspired letter I pledge to purchase Martha Stewart towels (a pledge that Leah and myself have since made good on due to our recent outing to the Bronx Riviera) and engage in shameless brown-nosing of this amazing corporate diva WHO I LOVE. Myself and 175,000 others will be instrumental in securing her appeal in two to three years, depending on the severity of the appellate court calendar backup. You can read my inspirational words of encouragement to Martha by going here and scrolling down. Let my letter give courage and fortitude to you all.

Tragedy in Lower Manhattan

2004-07-16T13:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I watched my FAVORITE news station, FNC, to watch the breaking news as Martha Stewart was sentenced by one Judge Miriam Cederbaum (clearly one of Rachel's peeps) to 5 months at the women's federal penitentiary at Danbury, CT (an institution boasting notable alumnae such as Leona Helmsley), and 5 months house arrest at her estate (Turkey Hill Farm) in Bedford, NY.

While many of you might suspect that I am an avid Martha-hater, because of my generally irritable attitude toward most "women's" things like Oprah and Lilith Fair, I must differ. Martha Stewart is a ball-busting corporate biznatch who has for the last year unrepetentantly said "in your face" to federal securities prosecutors by marching into court with incredibly tasteful suits and $1000 Fendi briefcases. All the while, the bitch has been decoupaging and hocking K-Mart sheets with the dogged intensity of a zombie hankering for brains.

I wept tears of joy as today Martha bitchily thanked her hordes of fans following her sentencing and urged them to show support by purchasing her magazines and products. Had I any money, I'd be on my way to Big K right NOW. Anyway, I just wanted to share with you all the tragedy that this great woman has been knocked off her elegant pedestal right into a country club lockup, and to note with a touch of optimism that Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia stock (NYSE ticker symbol MSO) has skyrocketed 40%, reaffirming the important lesson that the boys of Enron taught us: you CAN lie to your shareholders and federal prosecutors and still make a buck at the end of the day. Now, more than ever, when I grow up, I want to be just like this brutal robber baron snatch.

Audacity of Vicious Slut Skyrockets

2004-07-15T08:19:00.001-04:00

Brooklyn
Monster Truck reporting

This morning, the audacity of the vicious slut Three-Face skyrocketed. Resident FalloniusMonk was minding her business, preparing for her workday as usual, when her telephone rang. "It was odd," FM said in our exclusive interview. "We just moved here, and I fucking hate the phone, so I don't give out this number - I mean, I don't even have voicemail, dood [sic]. Hey, make sure you write 'dood - D-O-O-D, 'dood'."

The phone call was from Household Bank. After a brief inquisition, FM learned that the worthless Ms Face had provided this new number - not, as she had initially hoped, her former number, in a call forwarding mix-up.

Face is not a first-time offender. Last year, she forwarded all of her mail to FM's last residence without consent during her relocation from Tallahassee, FL to Brooklyn. "I should have seen it coming. I mean, dood [sic], I knew she was crazy, but I needed a roommate and it didn't seem like a huge deal, it all happened so fast." FM's friends were indignant during last year's incident, but FM tried to be patient. "Bitch can't help being fucked in the head, you know what I mean? I thought it would be okay. I guess I learned my lesson about trying to help a chemically imbalanced degenerate dyke."

Three Face fled the FM residence last February quite suddenly and their contact has been limited since. "I was glad to see her go. Ho can't empty an ashtray to save her dirty carpet-licking soul." Face has contacted FM since, but most of their interactions have been few, and quite terse.

"I don't return her calls, or even answer them. I hate the phone, sure, but I pick up my friends' calls if I hear them. But that bitch is too tired. She IMs [Instant Messages] too, all the damn time, but I just let them sit. I know that bitch ain't got shit left to tell me. She's just pissed that I won't talk to her. That's why she's messin with this Household Bank caper."

FM speculated that there are probably numerous other inconsequential banks with her number on file for Face.

"I mean, that bitch never learns. I told that nice woman that the dirty hooker did not live here, and never had, and had gotten my math from the suckers at 411 like the stalker she is, and that she should take note of the false information provided in considering her for financial services." FM admitted she was disappointed to learn that there was no legal recourse. "It's ludicrous. I mean, you can get arrested for being black, so why can't you get fined for being a stupid sack of tits?"

FM plans to investigate these unfortunate holes in our legal system immediately after what she termed "a what-for to that diseased cuntrag." Face was unvailable for comment.

Unite and Conquer

2004-07-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

cheres amies -

JOYEUX JOUR DE LA BASTILLE!

today i would like us to focus on La France, that shapeless hunk of geography set adrift by the tides of twentieth century social history.

today is modern france's 215th birthday, ladies, and i never pass up the chance to toast something Very Special.

it was two-hundred-and-fifty long years ago that france's disgruntled and hungry proletariat cast of the off of a two-class system with a sensational tennis court party that lead up to the looting of a city jail. it was 215 years ago that the good, overworked sans-coulottes of the franconation shed the shackles of grin-and-bear-it poverty and social subjugation, rising up as one to free their brethren from unjust imprisonment to steal the chocolate brioche right off of marie-antoinette's tea table. it was 215 years ago today that our froggie camarades took up america's call to arms in rejecting the monarchy to rock the vote.

let's take a brief stroll through the corridors of those turbulent times, and briefly examine the course of events thereafter that allowed france to spread its wings once more, soar to the heights, and then perish in embarassing modern flames.

after the notorious triumphs of the "french revolution," the french masses were able to kill everyone they hated and steal their money. they were then able to raise the shrewd robespierre to power in a Big Pay Back far too long overlooked by Hollywood in the OG Red Scare of the 1790's. These bloody years were shortly sold down the river, and were replaced by the era dominated by the short corsican man, napoleon, involve some indecorous and disastrous meddlings on the russian front, and result in the sale of a shit-ton of land to the united states. france continues on to blow weekly through the 19th century, boasting most loudly of its world culture and great refinement. A succession of Napoleons and Louis come and go, proving that the French have never been able to learn from their mistakes.

The Eiffel Tower is built and the French begin their long history of shameful defeat with the Franco-Prussian war, and make their debut as the German Superhighway. Limping into the twentieth century, the French prove true to their word during the Great War by bending over for the Teutonic troops, and hosting a sprolific number of American degenerates. Unable to conjure a phenomenon so captivating as the Weimar Years in Germany unassisted, the French stumble along into the 40's, only able to offer Edith Piaf. In WWII, the French fold their hand at last, greeting the returning German invaders with submissive arms, and have dragged themselves panting into this, our new millennium.

in the face of such precocious accomplishments, i salute the french in their ability to maintain the old spirit of their culture in progressing into this year of our Lord, 2004. they are still able to spit with the same distate. cook with the same bizarre array of inedibles. maintain such rugged individuality that in an age of information that shrinks our globe, that they have shrunk from any semblance of innovation or power. and that they, in the true democratic fashion, doggedly insist that all people on earth speak or understand their language.

this glass of sparklilng cider goes out to you, my french colleagues, the younger, frumpier, less successful brothers of time - thank you for trying, and Happy Birthday.

Operation Fatty McChunksters

2004-07-07T00:41:00.000-04:00

again, lovers - no link.

i have sown many promises that i would type up this little adventure for you all, so here it is: Fatty's Day at the Gym!! Be forewarned though, y'all - this is predictably long-winded....

As I may have explained, I have a fascination with the little boxes they place only at fat girl establishments, like greasy pizza joints and asian-owned-and-operated-dollar-taco-shacks, which advertise the chance to win a free year-long membership at the gym. I was initially drawn to this by the word "free," obviously, as i'm tryin to get over, but also by the lovingly insulting motto that shines atop all such entry-form boxes: NO JUDGMENTS. read: hey fatso, you can wear that grease-stained shirt to the gym and our employees are contractually obligated not to make fun of your fat ass! This, I love. I'm in. Let's rock.

I have entered this thing three times, via three different addresses, banking on the hope that the internal databases of Crunch Gym are neither sophisticated nor well connected. I was correct. Thrice have I been in for my "consultation," in which you are given a scratch lottery ticket that reveals the amount of free gym time you have won. It is always a week, but I love a gimmick something stoopid. So every time, they then give you your fake-me-out week-long gym pass, lead you through a hurried "tour" that requires climbing three sets of stairs, and shuffle you back to the desk downstairs to convince you to sign up for the gym. Off the eighty trillion dollar initiation fee and fifty trillion dollar monthly membership fee, some dollars are shaved, but it's always marginal in the face of the original princely sum, and overall not worth it.

This time, though, this time was different. My consultant was the spitting image of Kevin from Space Camp and waived my initiation fee, knocked the price down to $69/month, and threw in two free personal training sessions. So I say fuck it, let's give it a shot. Henceforth, this shall be called Operation Fatty McChunksters.

Being the self-admittedly somewhat clumsy and usually impatient intellectual powerhouse that I am, I opted to go in for a Personal Training Session right off the bat, in the hops that Personal Trainer would teach my how to use the sit-down cycling-machine-with-web-capabilities-and-an-iPod, so that i would not break it or myself when trying it on my own. rational, yes?

HELL FUCK NO, BLUBBER - GET READY TO ROCK!!!

My Personal Trainer "Johann Gomez" calls me to confirm our appointment on Thursday and tells me that I will surely recognize him as the guy with long hair standing my the ladies dressing room. Riiiiiiiiiight. But I go ahead, wrap myself in my make-shift work out gear and head over to meet him at 7 pm. We make introductions and it's down to business. I will not comment on his what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about name. You go on ahead with that.

We proceed to the treadmill to start up with some friendly jogging. This I can handle, but as he *increases the *incline of the "road" I am jogging, while subtlely nudging the speed up bit by bit, I start to lose a little of my bearing and begin to veer, a little to teh left, a little to the right, and gradually to fall behind my own speed (?) and travel backwards on the damn thing. I grab the bars to pull myself up and he gently smacks my hand, encouraging that I spank this bad boy with the aid of bars. I bob left, I weave right, I fall behind time after time, and I realize that I have signed on for an hour of profoundly ironic self-perception. He asks when the last time I went to the gym might have been, and I tell him 25 years. He asks me my goals, and I list off things about strengthing my back and blah blah. He lectures me on my diet, encouraging that I stop eating meat. We clear up the whole life-long vegetarian issue and he proceeds into the no-to-low-carb diet. I then lecture him, pumping away and veering all over the place, about my deep and spiritual relationships with such things as bread and mashed potatoes, and that no german puerto rican will ever change my mind. We agree to leave that topic for a Nutritionalist and proceed on good terms.

So we work out. That is, I work out, while he stands there and gives commands. Sometimes he provides a visual, but for the most part it's me against physics. I am asked to do lunges, holding fucking hand weights like my prodigious fucking gut did not qualify as suffient to haul off the ground. I eventually tell him where to put the weights and we continue on. We do leg pushes, sitting on hands and crossing of legs, the balancing of self on toes and elbows for thrity second spans - all of this interspersed with what could qualify as a humiliating set of jumping jacks - and every "set," around jumping jack #11, my pants begin to slide down my stomach, so I scramble to perform them properly while hitching my britched back up. I touch my toes. I haul myself up and plop myself back down. I "keep my core tight", sucking in my belly for all it's worth until I finally have to tell him that there's only so far in I can get this to go.

He tells me I remind him of some other girl who attends the gym, whose name he can't remember. I suggest "Mac" and he immediately recalls, yes that's it, she's here tonight in a class. I retort that I knew that already, karate, and that she and I smoke cigarettes together. I ask if he thinks it's funny to make fat, red and sweating assholes do jumping jacks. He does not see the joke. What can you do.

Keep jumping.

Mac comes up in the final set of lunges and I cannot hear her, as I am fighting a personal battle against gravity to keep my now-wobbly ass from fallin sideways and/or collapsing to the floor, so my boy "Johann" chats her up before she makes a swift exit, to leave me to my pain. I huff. I puff. I struggle thickly through the last few, praying to Mercy to let me live through this calisthenic trial... and we move over to free weights.

I can skip this. I bang these out as though it were a quiz on the Civil war. No stress. These exercises, however, are broken up by reps of touching toes, touching abdomen, and reaching for the stars, and the old body starts to give way. At step three I start to ti pin sinister directions - to the right, to the left, north-by-northwest - all the fuck over the place, as my thighs start to rebel. Back to the arms, all good, back to the touching-and-reaching, and I begin to crumble. 50 minutes down. Almost there. I can just taste that cigarette on the walk home, and the enormous bottle of juice I plan to buy, so I buckle down for the final challenge of the hour:

Abs.

This is where it gets good.

I catch a glimpse of myself on the way to teh ab-mat, and I am dripping sweat and redder than a sunburned albino. But I am bound, and I am determined, not to let this ambiguously named sucker get the best of me in my fucking free session. I earned this by eating pizza. I summon the power of chunks to get me through this.

I lay down on the mat and am asked to do a series of sit-ups - weren't these determined to be bad for you, in 1989? Aren't crunches the thing? - and touch the Personal Trainer's hands each time. To the left, to the right, straight ahead, as he stands on my feet and trains by obliques. Great. I'm almost there. I'm doing it. I have three more to go - and I am so done with this I could spit. I'm slwoing down. Twwwwwwooooooooooo left - words of encouragement from the humorless Johann - strugglin, strugglin, strugglin, y'all. I lay on my back before attempting the final one, to regroup, to stiffen my resolve, to hope for the strength, and I launch into it, one last wheezing, sweating, sloppy attempt at a sit-up -

and promptly fart of Johann's leg. Not a clear-the-room fart. Not one of those skip-the-record farts. But a fart nonetheless. In answer to my own physical deterioration over the past hour, my body intones its final answer: "What is Time To Stop, for $400?"

He then announces that we are done.

With scraps of dignity, we proceed to our starting point. I am prepared to tell him to fuck off, should he suggest more physical activity, but he merely intends to "stretch me out," at which point he folds me like a jelly roll in on myself to untie the knots in my poor body. Like a Bad Santa, I am drunkenly numbed to whatever pain might come from being wrapped into a pretzel, so I am easy to work with here. He asks "when will he see me again," and I told him I wasn't that kind of girl, and I laugh for the both of us before telling him that I need some time to recover and not to wait up. He congratulates me, I giggle under the influence of endorphins and shock, and it takes me a solid five minutes to regain control of my legs sufficiently to hobble down the strairs to the exit. One step at a time - and then I'm free to smoke, and walk home in the rain.

It took me a week to get over that ass-kicking. I hobbled to work, wore flat shoes, and had to ask for help in opening or closing the window in my room. He's called twice since to find out if I were still "active." I can't tell if he means with my chunks, or with my fart-generating diet. I'll ask him next time. But I'm going into training before I do that next session, bitches. He will do jumping jacks for me next time.

30something Theses

2004-07-01T02:40:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlewomen-

Tonight I learned many things. As you may or may not already know, Frank Sinatra Jr. was kidnapped in 1963. I had no idea that this had even happened. According to my main man Bill Kurtis (and that is Kurtis with a big fat capital K, my friends) Frank Sinatra Jr. (or FSJ, as I like to call him), was kidnapped for ransom by a consort of illiterate Biff-from-"Back-To-The-Future"-style unrepentant SoCal retards. These guys were so dumb (or possibly so brilliant, displaying a preternatural FoxNews brand of media-portent-sensing) that they even postponed their plans to wait until the Kennedy (as in John Fitzgerald) assassination brou-ha-ha "boiled over". I find the most disturbing point of this entire evening the discovery of Ol' Blue Eyes's biggest oversight, that he allowed his loser son to be kidnapped by a band of incompetents so pathetic that John Steinbeck himself could not conceive of such inept depravity.

And on that note, please permit a complete failure of humanity such as myself to relate to you this cautionary bit of knowledge, or "gnosis" as ancient Greeks and early Christian heretics like to say.

This evening the infamous Tod with one D and myself parted ways on a permanent basis. As a farewell gift, the benevolent Queen Todwell left me with a useful list of my personal inadequacies, and I figured the best way to adhere to this **unabridged** Encyclopedia Brittanica of "Why Angie Sux" (yes, that's "sux" with an "x"), is to share this interesting (albeit highly personalized) interpretation of said list.

Since you are all my friends, I feel that this needs to be posted on our sorry equivalent of the cathedral at Wittenburg, "99 Theses" style...aka "tottalytottlez.com" (that means I'm too drunk to write all 99, but if I were talkin to you it would be 99,999). Anyway, be warned. This is the Cliff Notes of my many flaws as related by the great scholar Tod...the Sophist known for his purple ruffled shirt and dislike for inexpensive domestic beers:

1. I have a superiority complex
2. I have friends
3. I think I'm smarter than everyone else (see #1)
4. I don't care about anyone but myself, as evidenced by my complete lack of regard to Tod's desire to lay in bed all day
5. I like waking up before noon.
6. I like working
7. I prioritize so-called "friends" and "family" over doing cocaine at APT on a Saturday night
8. I suck at math.
9. Catholics are gay, and I should know this by now.
10. I don't appreciate that people who used to be gay but aren't anymore because they weren't really gay but occasionally like acting gay when drunk but still don't identify as gay are "gay" (and that's gay in the Eminem way of saying it, not the Elton John way of saying it).
11. I'm not voting for Bush. I like Bush because he's evil, but I'm still voting for bitch-ass Kerry. Translation: I'm a VACILLATING PUSSY, you guys! Again, be warned! You clearly don't know the asshole you're associating with!
12. I don't understand that voting is dumb and people shouldn't do it, because it's conformist and gay, but Bush is awesome and every one of the "sheep" should vote for him so that marginally rich crybabies can get a 2% tax cut.
13. I don't value the metrosexual glory of Whittle's ex, Turpentine, or those orange polo shirts he fancies.
14. I know who Beyonce is
15. I know who the other members of Beyonce's band are (past and present)
16. I know who Beyonce's boyfriend allegedly is
17. I hate ruffled shirts on men
18. I am a bad dog owner
19. I can't afford a cooler apartment in a cooler neighborhood
20. I suck at cleaning
21. I have achieved *nothing* in my life...Smith is basically a liberal arts LaGuardia Community College. They might as well advertise for my degree on the internet. Smith=DeVry Institute. I should have majored in Dental Assisting, it would have been more honest. And Columbia? Pleeeease...we all know that's a diploma by mail.
22. I'm lazy (and believe me, Tod "I-sleep-until-4pm-every-day" Paulus knows lazy.)
23. I smoke the ganj and watch TV daily.
24. Tod doesn't know any billionaires who smoke pot and watch TV as much as I do
25. I don't have the stick-to-it-iveness to ever do anything except MAYBE get a high-interest payment plan on a double wide in P-town, but given my bad credit...it's a longshot. But hey, a girl's gotta dream!
26. I should focus on my future as a rural meth lab kingpin, 'cause that's as big time as I'm ever gonna get with my pitiful skill set
27. Once again, I'm a bad dog owner
28. I can't keep a relationship together because I can't predict that I'm going to break up with the person before I even meet them
29. I am young and naive and I don't know how the world works
30. I have goals
31. Did I mention that I'm a bad dog owner???
32. I'm also a SLUT!!!
...etc...
...etc...
And I'm drunk so this could go all night, but the main problem Senor Tod had was that I am a ticking time bomb just waiting to rain destruction on those hapless suckers who dare to associate with such a vile and despicable creature as myself. So please...friends who read this blog...intruders from the outside world who through some miracle or accident of Google might end up on this website...understand:
I am a WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING. Now you know, so don't blame me if that ever comes back to haunt you via association with me.

I admit, I am pretty much a loser, having reneged on my effort to quit smoking, sitting here typing this crap I KNOW I will regret tomorrow...but the only thing I see I've done wrong at all is existing all these years without knowing that Frank Sinatra Jr. got the Lindbergh baby treatment. So far, the only thing I'm really sorry I neglected is knowing about FSJ's sitch, and having to learn it from A&E at 3 am. Clearly my priorities have been misguided.

SO BEWARE...this just illustrates my shallow loser existence. You have all been warned.

Beheading

2004-06-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

Has anyone noticed that these days the quickest way to stardom is to be decapitated by a bunch of crazy looking Islamic militants with surprisingly colorful headwear? Just a though.

And speaking of beheading, Orlando Bloom (aka Legolas, Paris, and total douche from "Pirates of the Caribbean") has just been declared on of the world's "hottest bachelors" by People magazine. I'm about ready to Madame Defarge this British Justin Timberlake-looking loser back to Middle Earth, dudes.

been a long time since i rock and rolled

2004-06-21T21:56:00.000-04:00

okay bros, no link. i salute angie's technological prowess by taking the back burner to emphasize her late expansion of her core capabilities.

and anyway, i finally made it on board to blog, and we'll let that simple fact speak for itself unembellished.

quick question - ange, you're probably behind this, so pardon my simplicity, but there is a side bar on the "post comments"/"view" link that touts gone with the wind, fear and loathing in las vegas, a farewell to arms, the iliad, and playstation 2. fucking mint doodz - if that isn't your doing, my friends, then the fates have handed blogging to us steathily. we were meant to be here. less the farewell to arms shit, but the hemingway is right on.

another fucking night in brooklyn and i'm still working. it's a hard clean run to the fourth of july, and i'm hoping that the DC agenda is still a go. this weekend the visit-sister plan has finally come to fruition, and i will be semi-willingly whisked to gorges ithaker new york to partake in the down home fun of the down-home residents thereof. i'm a little appalled that my sister would even invite me to upstate. obviously my interest in new york state ends at its almost coastline. the only thing about "upstate" that interests me is its status as a road to canada, beckoning me with open arms the day they instate a female draft. i mean, the on-base cigarette prices of $21 per carton are a righteous incentive to join the nation's armed forces when compared to the new york price scale, but really, the indian reservations need the business and i'm mighty comfortable in my urban sprawl of communal alcoholism and civilian dress code. in any event. i'm off to the land of small business, thriving trans community, and kollege suicide.

i ask for your prayers. beyond that, i ask for your invitation to host a bender of substance abuse to rid my mind of whatever memories i will gather there. thanks in advance. after this last month of relocation, back injuries and gym-joining, i need a really pollutant-heavy party to steady my focus.

cheerio.

She Bangs

2004-06-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

Though I vehemently despise the Fox television phenomenon "American Idol", I would like to point out that the first "Idol" REJECT to produce an album (titled "Inspiration") is the incomparable Mr. William Hung, who was made pseudo-famous when Simon Cowell brutally berated his performance of the Ricky Martin classic "She Bangs." This incident, as many of you may be aware, seems to have landed Mr. Hung (who, ironically enough, is a short, stout Asian man with Jewel-esque snaggle teeth, and likely the polar opposite of his surname) a bona fide record deal.

MSN Entertainment has assembled an "artist profile" to document the rise of this brilliant new star and watch the music video for his first HIT single, "She Bangs" (duh). It is most assuredly worth your 5-something minutes.

Oh, and P.S., if you're noticing the exciting new format of our blog it's because I changed the template. This template makes it easier to link things...when you go to create a new post you can enter the URL of any website and it will create a link in the post title. Alternatively, you can create a link with any word in the body of your post by highlighting the word and clicking the hyperlink button (the globe with the chain on it, next to the Bold and Italics buttons). Links will show up as faggy purple text on the actual post. Don't be frightened when you see lots of html-ish looking stuff, it just means that your text is now a link. Sorry to put these "blogging for dummies" instructions on the actual blog but I don't think any of us can be ashamed of our flagrant computer illiteracy. I mean, I'm the King Retard of Tech-unsavvyville and I'm the fucking site administrator!

Cheaper by the Doesn't

2004-06-16T07:22:00.000-04:00

So that SOB Tod and I broke up AGAIN like the high school lesbians that we are. After a great deal of overhyped bickering, scaring away the hot English postdoc from the bar where we were all drinking, and me righteously storming out of his faggotronic Chelsea digs TWICE (and then returning as Tod begged me piteously not to leave him), this fight really got out of hand as Tod ORDERED me out of his life.

What was this fight about, you ask? Well, it seems Tod had to be at work (and by work, I mean home) really early (and by "really early", I mean 9 a.m.). Therefore, he thought I should go to his place from a bar on the Lower East Side to fuck him real quick and then go on my merry way because it's "CHEAPER". I informed him that it would actually be "cheaper" if we split a cab to Wash Heights and he took the subway back in the morning. But...getting up at 8 a.m. to hit the A train is NOT AN OPTION because Tod doesn't get up that early. Ever. So it's "cheaper" and "more efficient" if I go to Chelsea and he gives me cab fare back. When I argue this point, I hear things like "I'm an engineer" (meaning he is more efficient than me) and "you don't respect my money" (meaning he's not getting his way, so it's time to break out the running tally for what he's been paying for). I also informed him that I'm not a whore for cab fare (and subsequently proving it by paying the $30 to get my own ass home). At this point Tod told me to "get out" so I happily obliged.

So, can anyone tell me, in your opinion, are we broken up yet???

"I Need You to Survive"

2004-06-15T14:12:00.000-04:00

"I need you
You need me
We're all a part of God's body
Stand with me
Agree with me
I love you
I need you to survive..."

I'm sitting here in this sticky hot school on the eve of my eighth-graders' "graduation" from middle school. Picture this: 130 wriggling 14-year-olds crammed together in an auditorium being forced to listen to the heinous choir rehearse the hymn "I Need You to Survive" over and over again. Tomorrow should be very interesting - they absolutely are not ready to march down aisles in unison, let me tell you what.

All in all, this week sucks. I have an enormous rote-memorization test Wednesday night; I have to do a PowerPoint and finish my online portfolio for Tech class; for the other class I have to write an essay connecting Mitch Albom's "Five People You Meet In Heaven" to my teaching style which will require ALL of my powers of bullshitting to pull off since I'm personally not keen on chakras in the classroom, AND I have to write a philosophy of education AND I have to create a final project that reflects my vision of tomorrow's educational system in a medium that allows me to explore my less-oft-utilized intelligences (like my musical, spatial, kinesthetic, or intrapersonal intelligences...riiiiiight). All of this must be complete by the 23rd because I'm going to San Francisco then. Then one more class before I have my first Master's Degree!

HOWEVER...my financing for Columbia is complete! Ange, let's get an apartment, shall we? I've got all my moneys together.

Look out, New York...all these buildings are MINE.

Disfigurement

2004-06-14T21:51:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of Caesar dragging me face-first into Nichole's doorjamb, I now look like the sorry sucker featured here.

This has prohibited me from participating in "normal" activities, such as leaving the house, facing the world, and even using the telephone normally

I'm a Real Dork

2004-06-14T18:06:00.000-04:00

As you all can see, I'm a real loser with a great deal of time to kill now that I've invented this dumb blog so we can all pass notes without even having to log onto IM. So please post something to make this less dumb and straight-up geeky, or at least to show your support for my bid for the tri-Lambdas.
Like, Mary, you can put on links to your "Chatter on the Beltway" newsletter. I can put links to useless crap I find on the internet. We can all comment on it and engage in clever, time-wasting electronic discourse.

whittlemania

2004-06-14T18:03:00.000-04:00

dude!! these types of recorded shenanigans are EXACTLY the reason why i have no future in politics! did you hear about that capitol hill staffer w. the sex blog?

well, at least she got a side bar feature in Star Magazine.

i love our blog.

its rad.

much more rad than all the other dork-fest, dungeons and dragonsesque blog sites.

peace on middle earth,
mary